Three years later

Three years after the last post! I just went back and read the last post and could feel the truth of every word in it. And an update seems mandatory in the timeline :)

Yukti has continued to grow, blossom, unravel herself taking all of us along in our journey. The liveliness, the spirit that she brings in is unparalleled. An entertainer, a natural stand-up comedian, an explorer, never say no spirit, the I know it all spirit, self-assured, very aware of her steps and what she wants to do, the charmer that she continues to be, she is just something! We all agree that life would have been so much less lively and interesting without her. She is like the tang in a dish, the little one that bosses over all of us.

Talking about dishes, she loves food, cooking, cutting vegetables, watching others cook. So much so that these days she has started telling me, amma tomorrow you make this, discussing the menu for the next day. There are so many stories of her expression of her will and wants that I often wonder that a child like her would have been labelled a defiant, mischief making, hyperactive, attention deficit child. She certainly is not the one to fit into a structure, even at home! A free-willed child who is easy going, funny, and full of mischief.

For a while I wondered if she would understand others' feelings, whether she could express her own feelings (except feeling outraged, showing by shouting) and in the recent past I am seeing her express some emotions. Like when she said "I will miss chippy and I feel sad that she died" when a street dog chippy died recently, like when she said "i feel like crying when nidhi cries", like when she said "i missed you amma" after I was away for a few days. It is not that she is not a loving child, she is a very affectionate, loving child, but I also see how different she is - she is in the moment, does not carry from the past. The emotional imprint of events are not very strong for her, she does not hold on to pain, hurt and that is a beautiful quality that she reminds us of everyday.

While she may compete to do the things that her sister does, there is a certain naivity, innocence, and charm to every action and word of her. It is difficult not to smile even when she is clearly crossing the line! While Nidhi would negotiate the rules to her liking, yukti does not bother negotiating if she does not like the rule/boundary/limit. She will just state what she wants to do and often do it, unless of course we use brute force to make her follow our line. Her mazhalai has gone, she has turned 6, she has learned to cycle all on her own, the independent streak is quite strong, she wants to do things by herself, even the ones that she cannot. Her sense of being grounded and rooted on the land is so strong. She will spend several hours under a tree by herself. She finds her solace in the outdoors. A child of the woods, the wild child, mowgli, life on my terms is where she is at the moment. Except that we are still scared of insects :D

To give you an example of who she is:
After an episode of some mischief/crossing the line, I was telling her what I would like her to do. After I explained it I asked her to tell me what I said. And this is how our conversation went
Y - I wont tell
Me - Why?
Y - because I know you know that I know it, so I wont tell
Me (zapped and finding my bearings) - I do not know that you know it, so I am asking you to tell.
Y - I will not do it again
Me - That is not what I told you.
Y - I know that
Me - So you have to tell me what you understood of what I said
Y - Next time, if I want to .... then I check with you... (something to that extent- i don't even remember the exact incident)

Me (just as I am getting ready to sit down with nidhi for some study) - What do you want to do? Y - I want to play (or go outside or some such response)

A year along

Clearly I don't have the time to blog as much - for me, nidhi or yukti. But a short note here :) The last year with Yukti has been quite a ride. She has blossomed beautifully. And every month has seen her change, open up some more. After the initial few days of shock at being in a new environment, she left aside her tightness and resistance, started to speak, yak, babble, want to be read books, imitating Nidhi action to action and word to word, figuring out routines, figuring out the rules of the house, negotiating patterns. Nidhi was in Sholayoor for a month with Satish and that gave me and Yukti a lot of time to bond together and for her also to figure out her routine without Nidhi. Slowly she has now come to a place where she initiates her own activities, points out things that she is noticing to us and nidhi, taking initiative, wanting to choose her own clothes, and many other things. She has also now engages in her pretend play and chooses what she wants to do.  Of course still has an eye on what Nidhi does :)

What has not changed one bit since she came is the charisma that she has, and I hope it remains :) She is a charmer. One look and people are charmed - is it her eyes, the ways she walks, carries herself so surely and confidently, her way of looking at you mischeviously or all of it. Strangers and friends alike are charmed by her and all want a piece of her :)

She has her way of saying what she wants. "Yei, enna pakkade", "ennaku theriyadu, nee chollu", "amma, seiya (seriya)", answering confidently even if she does not know something, looking down and wanting to meet eyes when she knows we are upset about what she did or if she was not supposed to do something, transgressing smaller boundaries and limits we set and then giving us a sheepish, coy, and charming look. Speech explosion is happening with very cute mazhalai and it is adorable. Windmill is will, theriyade is theiyade, theriyum is theiyun, kuchino is kullikanam, etc. etc. Need to record more of her mazhalai before she grows up and loses it.

My roly poly, bubbly chubby, mischievous, often falling and tripping, giggling, confident, daring, scared of insects, circular bundle of joy. I am totally in love with you finally and the attachment seems complete now :) 100% It has taken me a year, but I have reached. What took me so long? Don't know. Maybe there were things within me that had to be processed which took this while. And I know Yukti will continue to bring up those things within me that need to be worked on. I am now at a place where I feel at peace being a mother to Nidhi and Yukti in different ways. Something within shifted in the last month and I feel complete in my relationship with Yukti. Looking forward to more interesting moments in life with her.

I am home!

Okay, so I am home. Got here on March 17th. And it has taken about 2 months for my mom to post this and start documenting. This is what happens with the second child I think. Anyways, here is my account of it all.

The first few days were a bit scary, I was not sure what was happening and what was going on. I did not want to say or do anything. I slowly started figuring out that I am safe here. So I started eating better, started to interact with people who would come home, explore around the house, speaking a few words etc. Now, I talk many sentences, want to say a lot, want to point out everything to everyone who comes home, want to show off, want to get attention, and just want to live life fully. I love my amma, appa, and sis. I still do not call them by their right names (amma, appa, akka - all get confused). In the initially days I used to get confused with akka, and kakka, and kaa kaa. That was just too much. Now I get the nuances of this language a bit better. Hot is potch. And I love to try repeating whatever is being said. I am learning a new language you see. Amma thinks it is too cute. Appa does not understand most of what I say, has to check with amma and amma also does not understand some of what I say. But I keep trying anyway. Today for example we went to the temple and I was showing them something and amma finally understood what I was showing. So I keep trying. I am able to communicate a lot and am learning something new everyday.

Amma says that it is a bit hectic for her now with two of us. She says she does not get much time with Nidhi to do the things that she used to be doing. But I am loving all the attention I am getting from three of them. Of course, I don't know how it was before for them, so no complaints from my end.